308 The last thing I expected was the property manager to call and say she found someone to buy the mobile home. I already knew I would be missing a payment that month, and figured the bank would probably repossess it, so it was a welcome relief. Of course my terms were pretty reasonable, I just wasn't prepared for it to happen.
309 I made plans to move in with my mother in California, and the paperwork was finally approved about the time the payment was due. Without much ado I loaded all my personal effects into the back of the truck and prepared to leave in the next couple of days. This all happened during the middle of May, 1986.
310 One thing that happened while loading the truck, was the lady from the outpatient program called and insisted I come and pick up the $5 or $10 I made from cracking walnuts, like it was a big deal. Here we are with the nuts again! (n208,307). So like a good little robot I got in the truck and rushed off. But I neglected to tie everything down, and my favorite wooden chair, a walnut chair? which sat up high, fell out and smashed alongside the road. Which I wasn't aware of until somebody came up from behind and flagged me down. So much for being suggestible! I believe I left the next day. While I lived here for seven months altogether.
311 It was pretty rough moving in with my mom, but I had nowhere else to go. I hadn't lived with her since high school, in 1974 (n28), and all the unfinished karma came boiling to the surface. It was still a relief to get away from my former environment, and indeed it was a phenomenal change of events that brought me to her door. I began moving in as soon as I got there, but her apartment was pretty cramped and I had to take the rest of my stuff to my aunt and uncle's house in Sebastopol and store it in their barn (n400).
312 One thing I noticed about her apartment, particularly in the bathroom and bedroom, with all the knickknacks, etc., it appeared like some kind of unholy shrinei.e., to herself. And I had wondered about it, for it seemed like this is what I was up against. And being my ninth residence, the ninth commandment says, "Don't bear false witness . . ." Indeed, there have been many falsities associated with who she was over the years, not a wide variety, but more in terms of her own narcissism, centered around her own self pity and its glorification (n14,46). In other words it served as a means to mask things over so she didn't have to see anything, through lies she told herself, that made her feel uncomfortable which, quite often was me.
313 And so correlates with the myth of Persephone (n14:9), a parallel to the myth of Semele, i.e., Persephone was Zagreus' mother (n5:22). For Persephone was abducted by Hades in her youthjust as my mother was snatched awaywhen out playing in a field of flowers, specifically the narcissus. And here, my mother had a picture my grandmother painted, of a young woman playing in a field of California golden poppies. Similar to a narcissus? It was one of her favorites. And so symbolizes Demeter's (n14:9) exhaustive search for her daughter, finally to have her gaze transfixed on a field of flowers. While I'm sure my grandmother had similar feelings about my mother's loss of innocence. On another note, I recently discovered Persephone was swallowed up by the earth along with a herd of swine when she was abducted which, is why pigs are central to the theme of Persephone and Demeter. Hence the idea of an Easter Ham? While come to find out my mother's married name is Hamilton which, is also my last name and practically the same idea. A herd of swine? Wow! Another coincidence? (n1:20).
314 As it was life was not easy, with everything becoming an emotional issue and us getting upset over the slightest of things, just like old times. By which I'd lose my equilibrium and feel I was cast back into the pitof hellan experience I needed to surmount, and ride above for awhile, before overcoming it. Which was something she didn't understand. Nor could I solicit it. She just continued in her old way. The one experience that illustrates our karma occurred the day I took a nap: I saw a vision of her lying down in her bedroom, with the usual vacant but absorbing look on her face. And except for the fact that it was a vision, it was all too real! While according to Roy Masters, when something like this happens, it's essentially a reflection of who you are, which I found very disturbing. Have I become my mother?
315 There was also something beautiful about it, with erotic overtones, which were equally disturbing, as I wasn't accustomed to looking at my mother this way. Although I deemed it had more to do with my father, who I equated with Zeus (n15) and died when I was in the hospital (n298), and began working with prior to the rebirth experience: i.e., Dionysus/Zagreus (n5:22) was the son of Zeus and Persephone. Basically, I started scolding and chastising him per the manner of Roy Masters and, in conjunction with what happened in the hospital (n287), it drew the spirit of my father (n5:15) to this image of my mother which, persisted for nearly nine months? Or that's the basic idea. Whereby my relationship with my mother hadn't changed, and this vision reflected the overall tone. And, while it didn't occur to me at the time, it no doubt led to the vision of the man whose testicles came into full view, which reminded me of my father in chapter 5 (n7). Hamilton? (n313). Indeed, Dionysus was equated with Noah (n2:19; n13:54), whose son Ham had exposed his father's nakedness!
316 Yet despite all these things, I was determined to get back on my feet, and within a month I started working. It was a temporary job assembling floppy diskettes for personal computers. And, although it seemed like something I needed to do, I still had to deal with my mother when I got home, and wasn't making much headway. I had very little privacy; and, perhaps it was to soon? I also rode my bicycle to work and spent most of the night on my feet, working swing, which I wasn't accustomed to. So in conjunction with having little motivation, I felt tired much of the time and it wasn't getting any better, as I had hoped. This is why I quit two months later. While I went back a couple of months later, but it only lasted one or two weeks, after I looked at someone the wrong way one night, when I thought they were being too bossy.
317 A couple of weeks after I started working I decided to buy a VCR and begin taping some quality programs. Which I felt was necessary to instill some quality back into my life, together with a sense of purpose and identity: why I had little motivation. Of these the best films were, Water, Birth, The Planet Earth, a Dutcher Films release, which detailed the beauty and glory of life as it evolved on this planet; The Miracle of Life, a Nova program, which revealed the mystery and beauty of life within the womb; and The Realm of the Alligator, a National Geographic Special, which gave an intimate portrayal of the alligator in the Okefenokee Swamp of Georgia. And here, Swedenborg says crocodiles and basilisks symbolize the dragon in Revelation 12 (n345-347). There were also two movies, 2001 A Space Odyssey and 2010 (n1:38); all of which played an integral role in developing my mind's imagery that led to the rebirth experience in chapter 5 (n1). And I continued to watch them over and over again, especially the first one, which I probably saw at least 40 times over the next two years.
318 I also remember something about Dionysus resting at Persephone's house between voyages, which basically happened between my mother and I, beginning with my ninth residence here. So I would go off and try and find something to do, to get establishedor, get away if nothing elseand always wind up back at my mother's front door. While this occurred at all my odd numbered residences, and occurred for the next two years up until my 21st residence in 1988 (n380).
319 My mother and I knew I would probably be better off not living so close, and in November she found an ad in the paper listing a room for rent. The price was right and, although I wasn't working at the time, I had saved up enough money for the first couple months rent and thought it was at least worth a try. The person who owned the house didn't seem to mind, saying he only expected to be paid month to month, and only asked that I give a couple of weeks notice before moving out. So without much ado I loaded up the truck with the light weight sofa bed my mother just bought, and some of my personal effects and moved in. While it was actually the first time I had a roommate, not counting my mother, since living in San Jose at my fourth residence (n121).
320 The owner was a single man in his forties, and it was a small three bedroom house in Sebastopol, California, less than two miles from where my aunt and uncle lived. He also had two other roommates, one moved in after I did, who was deaf, and needless to say it was a bit crowded. While he mentioned the other house he owned in Santa Rosa, which he was renting to his girlfriend and trying to maintain as well. Which he had difficulty doing for he had recently suffered a major breakdown to his immune system, similar symptoms to, but not AIDS, and was constantly worried about getting sick and had very little energy. So when I told him I had been doing odd jobs and yard work in Grants Pass, and suggested I could do this in exchange for part of the rent, he thought it was a good idea. His other roommate (the first) lived in the garage or, the trailer out front? and made custom business signs, and occasionally I helped out for a little extra money. He was actually quite good at it.
321 There was also something about his name, suggesting the height of academic study which, in accord with the height of man as man as portrayed in Joyce (10) (n4:95), seemed to apply to him. I'm suggesting a correlation to the height of the man's intellect and, my tenth residence. My roommate too was intellectual, and reminded me a bit of James Burke, the host of the PBS series, Connections, in the early eighties. The program itself was rather intellectual, although not too difficult to understand, except that due to the amount of information being passed, Mr. Burke had a tendency to fill in the blanks and, "chew your meals" for you. Meaning much of it was being passed by rote. And yet, because you could still see the connection, it was a good program and, quite entertaining. If it wasn't for that, however, I would have deemed it a waste of time. Which, is more along the lines of Roy Masters' views on academia and intellectualism (n12:22; n13:21).
322 Like Mr. Burke, my roommate had a penchant for chewing your meals and, although I didn't sense anything sinister about it outright, I still found it irritating. As soon as you started talking, he began to put words in your mouth, and attempt to finish what you were saying. It was like stealing your thoughts and, in effect manipulating you, by not allowing you to see what you needed too see for yourself. And, while I'm not sure what role he played in the educational system, I sensed a certain amount of impatience and anger, primarily because of his health and, he could no longer do what he was accustomed to doing, having to rely more on others. And, although he was intellectually inclined, he still enjoyed doing things for himself, on a physical level.
323 And so in accord with the tenth commandment, "Don't covet," this became the tenth temptation. For he was envious, and jealous of the fact that I still had my health. Which became evident with his bouts of sleep walking. And I remember the one night he walked into my room. It was an eerie feeling, having him subconsciously drawn towards me, seeming to want something at that levelmy essence or substance. Almost like he wanted to exchange his body for mine! Although I could have been mistaken here.
324 Of course if he only knew I wasn't too far away myself, with all the negative spiritual energy I was experiencing, and increasing low energy levels. And I began to wonder if I didn't suffer from something similar, albeit much of it was remedied a year later when I started taking multi-vitamins. Whereby the temptation was not to become envious or overreact, and refrain from becoming the psychic vampire which, can be extremely difficult when trying to manage your own health problems, and someone is attempting to do this to you. I don't think my roommate did so intentionally though or, not until after he started having health problems and couldn’t help himself.
325 This was about the time I started reading Swedenborg's Heaven and Hell, which I ordered when I was living at my mother's. And it occurred to me, Why don't I setup my own heaven, utilizing the types of projections made at my eighth residence towards this woman named Virginia (n245) which, I'd pretty much given up on. Primarily because my mind was thoroughly trashed after being processed through the mental health system, nor did I fully understand what I was doing. Notwithstanding I shouldn't have been stalking my neighbor's wife! But, now I had a copy of Swedenborg's Heaven and Hell in hand and, thinking it might help expedite my mind's recovery and, make me a more genuine mystic, like Swedenborg, I deemed it worth a try. So I focused on creating a society in my mind, and started lifting up everything around me, beginning with the cow pasture out back and the 40 or so herd of cows. That was my first mistake.
326 But then again, the whole area was rural like this, and there were lots of cow pastures, and the area was renowned for its dairies. So it was almost invariable that I begin with a cow pasture. Cattle do signify what is natural, however (n7:13), and basically you don't lift up natural things to heaven, sort of like the Israelites fashioning the golden calf in Exodus 32, trying to create their own version of Godin heavenwhich is basically what I was trying to do. Anyway, you don't do this, without expecting it to unravel and ultimately come crashing down around your ears! And, after working with it for at least a week and, as I was in the process of moving back in with my mother, this is what happened to me, as I explain at my eleventh residence (n332).
327 Yet since it was my tenth residence, in accord with Virginia, the 10th state (n6:67), I was in a sense breaking virgin ground or territory. So it almost seemed like a mandate that I do this, albeit the focus was more on creating a society in general, without all the previous sexual implications. While it seems fitting that Dionysus was born of a virgin (n1:2) and, as I say in Cindy (3) (n4:44), I was conceived in Virginia, the 10th state. Meaning it was a precursor to the rebirth experience in chapter 5 (n1), which occurred after I moved back in with my mother: where the number 11 signifies fertility (n4:95,105-108). Okay, so I didn't dispense with the sex entirely but, it has more to do with the virgin conception and Joyce (10) (n4:95). What's that, ecstatic cows? (n4:9). Indeed, the newborn Zagreus, born of his mother a cow, was rent to pieces shortly after his birth, and so coincides with the myth (n5:16-22).
328 While in accord with the numbers 10 and 11, there was something unique about the address, 5225 Wendell Lane which, as I said about Lynnhaven Drive (n6-7), I wouldn't ordinarily give out, except it was too relevant. And here the numbers 52 and 25 are like bookends or, reciprocals, where the number 52 corresponds to Joyce (10) and the number 25 corresponds to Penelope (11), in other words the numbers 10 and 11. Also, where the number 52 (5 x 2) = 10, when read from left to right, the number 25 (2 x 5) = 10, when read from right to left, meaning it could be read either way. Which of course is indicative to the Two Witnesses, regarding the left and right side of the brain: i.e., 10 + 01 = 11 (n4:155; n8:13).
329 Plus there are 52 weeks in the year (52 x 7), signifying one full cycle or, what is holy and complete (n3:23), while 5 x 5 (5 to the 2nd power) equals 25, reiterating its relation to the number 52. Finally there's the song, The Age of Aquariusthe 11th signby the Fifth Dimension in chapter 5 (n4-9), which I heard along Highway 101 in Northern California (n4:100). Thus signifying the relation between my tenth and eleventh residences which, culminated in the rebirth experience (n14:52).
330 As for the name Wendell, it brings up Wendy's Restaurant, Wendy being the feminine of Wendell, founded by Dave Thomas (or David) who was an orphan. And brings up the beginning of the chapter where I compared myself to the biblical King David and said I was not unlike an orphan (n10-11). It was also on Lynnhaven Drive, at the only other place I mentioned the full address (n6-7), where the relation to David and being an orphan occurs in numbers 10-11 which, I noticed for the first time after drawing the correlation between the numbers 52 and 25 and, 10 and 11. Wow!
331 All of which brings up a vivid dream I had while still living there. I appeared to be on top of a mountain at the highest point in the world, signified by the number 10, or Joyce (10) (n314), although it didn't appear any different than the outlying Sebastopol area. Around sea level? And here I sat at a picnic bench, and just started eating my box of Kentucky Fried Chickenthe three piece meal for $479? (n16:9)when I was approached by someone resembling my roommate, who was intent on eating it himself! Remember the tenth temptation, "Don't covet?" and, that my roommate had a penchant for "chewing your meals?" Again, wow! Although there was no specific reference to the three piece meal, nor the number 479 at that time. The correlation was still there, however, for this is where I was living when I worked for the company where I received the badge with the number 479 which, is what started it all! (n8:1). Whereby the highest point in the world also portrays the apex of the triangle, or pyramid, in the vision I had after moving back in with my mother (n8:4; n14:37).
332 As I said above (n326), I tried setting up heaven in my own mind, and been working with it for at least a week, before I started moving back in with my mother and it all came crashing down. Basically I wound up in the parking lot across from the Masonic Lodge as I describe in chapter 6 (n27-31). I don't recall if I actually moved in with my mother yet, but may have just moved my stuff over, over a period of two or three days, and spent the remaining time lying down in the back of my pickup truck in the parking lot. Everything was in a state of disarray and I don't think I was ready to deal with my mother at this point.
333 While there, I was accosted by two spirits who, in the midst of the unraveling, flagged me down and said, "Who are you, and what are you trying to do? Don't you realize what you've just done?" And they proceeded to give me the grand tour of the city I just built which, after building up everyone's high hopes, collapsed into a total shambles, by which everyone was miserable and wretched. And they made sure I was aware of this, and made sure everyone they pointed out was aware I was the culprit, allowing them to vent their hatred and animosity towards me. While basically, according to them, I was the most despicable poor excuse for a human being imaginable, and they wanted to insure it was understood. At least they were able to pinpoint the source of the disruption.
334 And, while most of this transpired in the world of spirits (n6:44), where only the semblance of peace exists, similar to what we experience in the natural world, i.e., there's always some kind of conflict, even that was taken away. While these two spirits were more like cops, attempting by whatever means to maintain the peace and order, at least as they understood it. Nor would I be surprised if they weren't cops in their former lives. They were too good at what they did. At the same time I wouldn't ascribe them to angels from heaven, because they were too intent on doling out the punishment and instilling a sense of fear, while deriving a sense of zeal and delight from it all. Which according to Swedenborg, is how the order in hell is maintained, through the fear of punishment.
335 They also assumed the roles of good cop and bad cop and, once the grand tour was complete, they proceeded to take me to task for just about everything imaginable. And, where the one tore into me for every indiscretion, about the time he was through, he'd hand me over to the other guy, who showed at least a little sympathy, although he was more of a stooge and mostly intrigued by what the first guy just did. And of course I'd fess up to something else or, it highlighted some other weakness, and the first guy continued ripping into me. This whole episode transpired over a period of five or six hours and, by then everything had pretty much returned to normal, and for whatever reason they no longer deemed me a threat and left. I was thoroughly dissuaded from making anymore projections at that time, however.
336 This was at the beginning of February, 1987. It was also the only time these two spirits showed up, although I continued parking in the same parking lot numerous times over the next two months, to get away from my mother if nothing else. And, except for the occasion where I developed the Seal of God one or two weeks later (n6:3-4,27), I continued to suffer afflictions. As I said in chapter 5 (n5), it was a very difficult period, which ultimately led to the rebirth experience at the beginning of March (n5:4-11) and, the experience of being dismembered along the Smith River in early April (n5:19).
337 And, while it's questionable whether I should have done this, I believe it prepared the way for what's described in Revelation 12, regarding the "woman clothed with the sun and the moon under her feet." Which, according to Swedenborg (n4:110), represented the New Church in heaven about to become manifest on earth; what I ascribe to the events in chapter 5 (n17). And by trying to setup my own heaven, and ultimately have it come crashing down, only to be accosted by these two spirits who basically kicked the pants off me, it set the stage for the next phase which, was the New Church becoming manifest on earth. And, since both experiences were channeled through me, where the one helped clean up the mess and reestablish order, thus providing the foundation for the next, it's almost invariable it had to happen this way.
338 Having said that, most everything that happened at my eleventh residence is detailed in chapter 5 (n1). In fact, just about everything that transpires in chapter 5 occurred while living here with my mother. I also continued to watch the films I taped previously on my VCR (n317), up until the rebirth experience at least, which enhanced the overall depth and realism of my visions. It essentially ended on April 5th, the day I drove up to Grants Pass and told them to commit me to the mental hospital (n5:23).
339 So I drove my truck up to Grants Pass, and in my mind I was handing myself over to the mental health people, thinking it was my only viable option. Soon after I got there, before going inside to talk to somebody, I decided to take a nap in front of my truck in the parking lot below the mental health center. I fell asleep with the window rolled down and awoke to the most hideous sound. Two teenagers were outside, bickering and snarling at each other. It was the nastiest thing I ever heard! It had more to do with my state of mind though, because I didn't hear any swear words, as teenagers often do. In fact I didn't even know they were teenagers, until I looked, and I swore I was visited by the Devil himself! I never heard anything like that before or since.
340 This didn't help any either, and only increased my anxiousness. But the lady I talked to tried to calm me down, and said it wouldn't be necessary to go to the hospital. She said I could probably make arrangements for housing, then reapply for general assistance, and begin going to the outpatient program again. And when she asked if I would be interested in doing this and I said yes but, that I had to go back to California and get a few things, for I didn't bring anything with me. She said it would be okay and gave me a week or so to do it. She also stipulated I needed to start taking the medication again, i.e., lithium, and I agreed. She then set me up in the Egyptian Motel for a few days (n5:28).
341 Afterwards I drove back to California and spoke to my mother about what I intended to do. I wanted to go back to Grants Pass anyway, and this seemed like the most expedient way to do it. I came back up a week later and was prepared to stay. One of the first things they did was put me in a hotel, using their funds, and said I'd have to apply for general assistance, as well as SSI (Supplementary Security Income), in order to maintain my status as a client or outpatient.
342 They put me up in the Traveler's Hotel, which was located on 6th Street, as you headed south out of town, about three blocks from the Caveman Bridge. It was about two miles southwest of the mental health center, located up the hill off A Street. The outpatient program was located down the hill on the corner of A and 5th Street I believe.
343 It then became a matter of getting settled in and preparing for the months ahead, which seemed a relatively easy next step. While the fact that I didn't have to go the mental hospital and they were willing to work with me was quite a relief. And, although I still didn't care for the outpatient program (n303), it was only twice a week and four hours a day, and I still had the rest of the week to myself. Nor was I alone and isolated like before, when living out of my mobile home. Plus there were the residents at the hotel, although I spent most of my time in my room, either listening to the radio or reading. While occasionally I might walk down to Riverside Park or, go to the store and buy groceries, etc. It was also about the time I started reading Swedenborg's Apocalypse Revealed.
344 While over the next few weeks things started looking up. And I began to think there was more to life than becoming the Devil (n5:16,23) and committing myself to the mental hospital where I'd live out the rest of my days. Which I was thinking when I told them I wanted to be committed above (n338): "And to the woman were given two wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent." Revelation 12:14.
345 One thing I recall doing, whenever I had a bad thought or, a sense of doubt or fear, was envision an alligator or crocodile in my mind (n317), its jaws agape, and shoved this double barbed spear up underneath its lower jaw, which in effect clamped its jaws shut so it couldn't eat and would die. I just started doing it one day, and did it most of the time I was there.
346 Two or three months later I had the most unusual dream. I awoke to find myself in the spirit (n5:1; n9:3), and there were five or six dead alligators lying on the ground, looking as real as could be, with one or two Komodo dragons (monitor lizards) there for good measure. While it sill looked fresh, with no visible wounds, and it had a distinct reptile smell. I practically stood over them, as I marveled, thinking, "I'm sure glad they're dead," and wondered how they died, hoping there were no live ones nearby. And I awoke, still marveling, wondering if it had anything to do with what I had been doing.
347 While according to Swedenborg's Apocalypse Revealed, he says crocodiles and basilisks (alligators and Komodo dragons) share the same significance as the dragon or serpent in Revelation 12 (n317). Indeed, with this being my twelfth residence, it appeared to be why I was here, to recuperate and try and get my mind back, and recover from the face of the serpent (n5:19-24).
348 In early September I believe, I stopped taking my medication. I did so for at least a week, for I wanted to start working with the images in my mind again, because things were more stable now and I wanted to see if I could get back my former mind. In other words cultivate the visions and still be able to think normally which, up to this point I hadn't been able to do. Plus one of the side-effects from taking the lithium was it gave you a dry mouth all the time, and I didn't care for that at all. While I did this without telling anyone, which you weren't supposed to do.
349 One thing I noticed immediately, is it required a lot of energy to do this which, after letting myself get rundown (n316), I didn't have. Consequently I was too tired most of the time, and couldn't pull my mind beyond the dark side so to speak, and I would get sucked under or, left feeling burned out. All of which affected my behavior. While I could have restarted the medication anytime, except I didn't find the idea of taking the lithium too appealing. This ultimately led to my leaving the outpatient program and moving back in with my mother shortly afterwards.